Allison Holker Boss and Stephen tWitch Boss, 2022. Momodu Mansaray/Getty Images
Allison Holker detailed her relationship with the late Stephen “tWitch” Boss in her newly released memoir, This Far: My Story of Love, Loss, and Embracing the Light.
Holker, 36, made headlines prior to the book’s release on Tuesday, February 4, after revealing that she read tWitch’s journals following his December 2022 death by suicide.
“He was wrestling with a lot inside himself, and he was trying to self-medicate and cope with all those feelings because he didn’t want to put it on anyone because he loved everyone so much,” Holker shared in a January 2025 interview with People. “He didn’t want other people to take on his pain.”
She went into further detail the book, revealing that tWitch was privately struggling with the impact of past sexual abuse and an apparent drug addiction.
Allison Holker’s This Far: My Story of Love, Loss, and Embracing the Light memoir has sparked varying reactions from the dance community and late husband Stephen “tWitch” Boss’ family. Ahead of the book’s publication, Holker, 36, spoke to People in an interview published on Tuesday, January 7, claiming that she learned Boss had struggled with […]
“I was with one of my really dear friends, and we were cleaning out the closet and picking out an outfit for him for the funeral,” Holker told People, claiming that she found a “cornucopia” of drugs including mushrooms, pills and “other substances” hidden in his shoeboxes.
While Holker spoke candidly about the early days of her relationship with tWitch and their happy marriage, she also discussed her thoughts on his mindset prior to his death. (Holker and tWitch married in 2013. They share two kids together, Maddox, 8, and Zaia, 4. She is also the mother to daughter Weslie, 16, from a previous relationship. tWitch never formally adopted Weslie but raised her with Holker during their marriage.)
“Stephen always saw himself as the protector of me and the kids — our Superman — and in the wake of his death I feel a duty to be his,” Holker wrote. “So when possible clues emerge in his phone and his nightstand drawer and his shoeboxes for why he did what he did, my instinct is to keep them buried — as he had.”
At one point in the book, Holker even revealed that tWitch “looked up a suicide hotline” in summer 2022 — months before he died.
“I could find no evidence on his phone that he made the call,” she wrote. “I’m sure he felt a lot of shame for even having sought out the number.”
If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call or text 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org.
If you or someone you know is struggling with substance abuse, contact the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357).
Keep scrolling to read Holker’s biggest revelations about tWitch from This Far:
Their Last Moments Together
Holker’s book opened with a prologue remembering her anniversary trip with tWitch, days before he died. He gifted her a “gorgeous black Prada suit” which she referred to as “a notable departure” from his regular gifts.
“Did he buy me a black Prada suit so I’d have a nice outfit to wear to his funeral?” she wondered. “And if he did, was it one last gesture by an incurable romantic or just messed up beyond belief?”
Honoring a lost love. Allison Holker has often paid tribute to her late husband, Stephen “tWitch” Boss, following his death in December 2022. “To my husband, best friend, babe, Chee-chalker, Superman and father of my children I LOVE YOU FOREVER and ALWAYS!” Holker wrote via Instagram in January 2023 alongside a slideshow of images from […]
Elsewhere in the book, Holker recalled that the last dance she did with tWitch was set to the Alicia Keys song “December Back 2 June,” noting that they were “perfectly in step” when doing the choreography.
“Stephen was navigating a complex emotional landscape,” she wrote. “He fluctuated between genuine happiness and profound sadness, flipping between the two as if his brain were a dimmer switch.”
Meeting tWitch — And the Beginning of Their Relationship
The first time Holker met tWitch was at a party with friends, following her time on So You Think You Can Dance? season 2 in 2006. At the time, she was in a different relationship, so their love story didn’t start until the show’s seventh season in 2010 where they were both competing as all stars.
“If Step Up had been a documentary instead of a musical romance, Stephen and I would have been shoo-ins for the lead roles,” she wrote. “The plot of our movie would have looked something like this: Boy meets girl. Girl rebuffs boy. Girl reassesses boy but a series of comical misconnections keeps them from getting together. Boy and girl finally dance with each other — and it’s magic.”
Holker recalled the “awful” racist comments she and tWitch received when they started dating as well.
“It just didn’t matter to me that we were different races,” she wrote. “But it quickly became evident after we started dating that it was a problem, one thousand percent, in the Black and white communities that spawned us.”
tWitch’s Felt ‘Forgotten’ By His Biological Father
Holker wrote that tWitch experienced “trauma and abandonment issues” since childhood. She claimed that he grew up feeling “resented” by his father.
“His feelings of being forsaken or forgotten intensified after his father married another woman, who bore him a son whom he doted on,” she wrote. “Stephen internalized his biological dad’s disinterest in him as evidence that he must be fundamentally unlovable.”
While tWitch was an adult, she compared him to a “forlorn 7-year-old” because of his past. Holker noted that she feels “terrible” not being able to help him heal his inner child.
Becoming Social Media Famous
Posting on social media during the Covid-19 pandemic in 2020 allowed the Boss family to gain widespread recognition. Holker speculated that their social media success “probably became a stressor” for tWitch near the end of his life. “He had it in his head that we should always look like that perfect family, which was unrealistic,” she wrote.
Elsewhere in the book, Holker claimed that she and tWitch embodied “toxic positivity” in their marriage.
Allison Holker is speaking out amid the backlash surrounding her decision to share personal details about late husband Stephen “tWitch” Boss in her upcoming memoir. On Tuesday, January 7, Holker, 36, gave a wide-ranging interview to People about This Far: My Story of Love, Loss, and Embracing the Light, which tackles her life and Boss’ death […]
Changes After ‘The Ellen DeGeneres Show’ Ended
Allison Holker. Paul Morigi/Getty Images
Holker explained how The Ellen DeGeneres Show ending in May 2022 caused a major shift in tWitch’s day-to-day life and allowed him to “poke around” in the “dark corners of his mind.”
“I don’t believe the end of the show was destabilizing, because he wasn’t out of a job. There was no work slowdown for him. We had so many projects in the pipeline. It did, however, lead to a shift in Stephen’s routine,” she wrote. “For nine years, the show had given his days a structure and rhythm. No longer bound to a schedule, Stephen had more time to spend inside his head.”
She also broke down how he “concealed” his depression struggles prior to his death — and admitted that she “might have overlooked” some symptoms. Holker recalled recognizing “irritability, insomnia, weight loss, a lack of energy, a disinterest in work and friends and fun” as hints of his “deteriorating mental state” in the months before he died.
“More and more he came up with excuses or reasons not to do things he previously would have thoroughly enjoyed,” she wrote. “I’d find out later there’s a name for that: anhedonia, and it’s a common symptom of depression.”
Holker also claimed that tWitch’s “personal hygiene suffered” as well.
“I would find myself pleading with him to take a shower,” she recalled. “At the time I thought he was too tired to properly care for himself. Now I know that neglecting self-care is another classic sign of depression.”
He Was ‘Never the Same’ After Ayahuasca Trip
tWitch had plans to “confront the pressures of fatherhood, grapple with the absence of father figures in his own life and address his feelings of abandonment” by going on an ayahuasca trip. The first night, Holker recalled, things seemed to be going well — but she wrote that things had “taken a really weird turn.”
“Instead of sticking it out, he decided to cut the trip short,” she wrote, explaining that through further research tWitch “left himself more exposed and vulnerable than ever” by not completing the process and follow-up sessions.
“I’ve since learned that for individuals with underlying mental health issues, ayahuasca can exacerbate deep-seated problems,” Holker continued. “It can bring those issues to a boil, if you will, if there is not close supervision. The outcome can be the opposite of the intended healing. Stephen was never the same afterward.”
She said he started to give off “different” energy. “It was like every day he woke up on the wrong side of the bed,” Holker wrote.
The Art Collection
During tWitch’s “final months,” Holker wrote that he “started amassing” a certain type of art.
“OK, he decided to start collecting art. Cool, I’d think with a shrug. Only these pieces were not cool. They were disturbing,” she wrote. “Many were humans either without eyes or with x’s where their eyes should be, or with faces that appeared to be melting or masks that were sliding off.”
tWitch’s Behavior the Night Before He Died
Allison Holker Boss and Stephen tWitch Boss. Tara Ziemba/WireImage
Holker wrote that the night before he died, tWitch had texted her “a tree emoji” which was their signal that he was stopping at a marijuana dispensary.
“Not long after he left, he called me and sounded freaked out. He said he was really high, which seemed totally out of character for him,” she recalled. “This was not an ordinary conversation. I’d never known him to act like this. Smoking typically made Stephen more mellow, not paranoid. I was unsure what to do.”
When he got home, Holker claimed he was “acting terribly strange,” even telling her “I lied” repeatedly.
“I asked him questions, but he was incoherent. I will be forever tormented by those two words: I lied,” she wrote, noting that they went to bed shortly after. The next morning, their routine started and tWitch addressed the previous night.
“He apologized profusely for his bizarre behavior the night before. I explained how worried he had made me and asked him what lie he was talking about,” she wrote. “He claimed not to remember saying that. He apologized again, then turned the conversation toward work.”
What Happened the Day tWitch Died
Holker recalled saying “love you” to tWitch before he took Weslie to school — the last words she would say to him. (She also wrote that tWitch’s last words to Weslie were, “I wish I could be your Superman.”)
When he didn’t come home that day, Holker got the police involved. On December 13, 2022, she “filed a formal missing person report.” Eventually, she started calling rehab facilities in the area, thinking that tWitch had checked himself into one. However, the police brought news of his death.
“He was going through something and now he was getting help. I was so caught up in my thoughts, I barely registered the whomp, whomp, whomp of helicopters flying overhead and the wail of police sirens. Something was happening near our house,” she recalled. “About twenty minutes later, the two cops out in front were joined by a third officer. … The new arrival looked at me with such compassion in his eyes. He asked me to sit down, and my heart sank. They don’t ask you to sit unless what they’re about to tell you is very, very bad.”
Speaking to tWitch in Her Dreams
Three days after he died, Holker received a message from tWitch in her sleep.
“His lips started to move,” she wrote. “I could clearly make out what he was saying: ‘I’m sorry. I love you.’”
This was hardly the only time she experienced something of the sort — even receiving “signs” from him in their house.
“I started finding stray feathers, which, according to a book I read, represented messages from the deceased,” she wrote. “I had asked Stephen to let me know that he was watching over us. He was almost too vigilant. After a while his presence became overwhelming, and I had to ask him to stop.”
