Super Bowl party food rankings and fantasy draft

The Athletic has live coverage of Chiefs vs Eagles in Super Bowl LIX, and Kendrick Lamar’s halftime performance.

Amid the clamor and din of sports fans arguing the likely outcome of the Super Bowl LIX, there resonates a debate for the more culinarily inclined: What combination of sports-watching cuisine reigns supreme at a Super Bowl party?

Is pizza the Patrick Mahomes of party fare, respected by multitudes for its oft-demonstrated, crowd-pleasing abilities? Are nachos akin to the Philadelphia Eagles’ offensive line, humble, versatile, an always-effective and necessary staple of Super Bowl spreads? And, crucially, among the party food pecking order, where does one slot beer?

These are questions that need answering, and so we turned to our fantasy football cuisine expert, Jake Ciely, to construct a ranking of common game-watch grub, mixing in some surprising selections alongside iconic food and drink from Philadelphia, Kansas City and Super Bowl host city New Orleans.

Next, a team of impeccably credentialed* journalists sidled up to the table to craft their favorite food lineup for The Big Game, selecting items to fill six key categories, with two “flex” selections to provide versatility to their bounty. It should be noted that selections included all varieties of that particular food type, so chicken wings could be boneless or bone-in or burgers could be beef of veggie, if so desired. Among their picks, each drafter was required to select at least one option commonly associated with NOLA.

Affix your napkins around your necks and behold Jake’s unassailable** rankings and six indisputably*** sensational Super Bowl spreads, alongside analysis from each drafter and grades from Ciely.

* The demanding qualifications required participants to have 1) taste buds and 2) time to participate in the draft on the Wednesday afternoon of Super Bowl week.

** To him.

*** This is likely an overstatement, particularly since after the draft we immediately recognized we’d omitted several highly regarded food options such as tater tots. So, feel free to add your additional items in the comments. And our apologies to Tots Nation.

Rankings

Beverages were not ranked since we recognize there can’t be a consensus on value if not all people drink alcohol. Beverage categories available for selection in the draft included:

Draft Results

The draft was conducted using a snake format to balance roster strength, with the order flowing from 1 to 6 in odd rounds and 6 to 1 in even rounds. Pick numbers can be found after each dish, with the first number representing the round the selection was made and the second representing the pick number within that round.

Champagne-Poppin’ Po-Boys, Jess Bryant

Snack/Chips: Doritos 5.1
Dip: Buffalo Chicken 3.1
Appetizer: Lumpia 1.1
Main Course: Shrimp po-boys* 2.6
Dessert: Brownies 4.6
Beverage: Champagne 7.1
Flex: Pulled pork sandwiches 6.6
Flex: Soda 8.6

Jess’ assessment: It may be unorthodox but I chose lumpia first overall because it’s crispy and delicious, the perfect finger food. I just had to hope it paired well with whatever I picked in the future. I went with the po-boys next because NOLA foods were flying off the draft board. Buffalo chicken dip? Why not. It’s No. 1 in the rankings and I know Jake’s grading this after, so am I pandering to the ranker? Yes. Yes, I am.

I waited on beverages and picked champagne since I’m an Eagles fan and think they’ve got a good shot to win. Last, I snagged soda, Mr. Irrelevant of this food draft, for a little more diversity in the beverage department.

Jake’s grade: A-

Jess nearly got an A+ with the heavily-versatile Doritos, the No. 1 food overall in buffalo chicken dip, a Top 5 option in lumpia and classic (and delicious) brownies. Seriously, I’d stop by any party to load up a plate of buffalo chicken dip and lumpia. I don’t even need more options. But, while she lost a few “points” on the champagne, Jess’ flex pick of the pulled pork sandwiches was a huge get in the sixth.

Don’t Be Guacing My Poppers or I’ll Jambalaya You, Dan Santaromita

Snack/Chips: Tostitos/Tortilla chips 4.5
Dip: Guacamole 1.2
Appetizer: Taquitos 6.5
Main Course: Jambalaya* 2.5
Dessert: Cookies 5.2
Beverage: Cocktails/Mixed drinks 3.2
Flex: Cheese plate 7.2
Flex: Jalapeno poppers 8.5

Dan’s assessment: Guacamole is the quintessential Super Bowl food. It’s not a Super Bowl party if you don’t have guac. Chips and salsa is good, but not as good. I don’t need to say any more. Round 2 I made, I think, the first kind of insane pick to take jambalaya, but it’s mostly a position run. Hannah picked two New Orleans things, and the other six remaining I don’t want anything to do with.

I kind of regret going with the cheese plate with charcuterie still on the, ahem, board because apparently charcuterie can include cheese (who knew?). I spent the rest of my picks pleasing other partygoers, so with my last pick I took the poppers because I love them.

Jake’s grade: B

Dan started off over-reaching a bit for my taste, as guac is good but not the 1.2 pick, and jambalaya is way too early for something that needs a utensil to eat — even though picking a New Orleans item was mandatory. It’s a party. I’m not trying to use more than one hand or utensils. Amazing value with taquitos at 6.5, as that’s a Top 10 food, and jalapeno poppers as his last pick was a gift. Just like Harry said to Lloyd, “You go and do something like this … and totally redeem yourself!”

Citywide Heartburn, Brandon Funston

Snack/Chips: Fritos/Corn chips 6.4
Dip: Salsa 5.3
Appetizer: Charcuterie 7.3
Main Course: Pizza 1.3
Dessert: King Cake* 3.3
Beverage: Citywide (Shot of Jim Beam, PBR chaser) 4.4
Flex: Nachos 2.4
Flex: Candy/Chocolates 8.4

Brandon’s assessment: Pizza is probably the most boring pick on the board, but it’s the most universally loved. It’s a one-hander to eat it, and you don’t really want to be worrying about main course prep on a Super Bowl Sunday. Get the pizza. That’ll be your staple.

With nachos I’m basically getting two picks in one with chips and salsa — even though I snagged that later anyway. Throw some cheese on there, because everything’s better with cheese.

King Cake’s got some funky coloring to it, but in the end, it’s cake, and cake’s pretty good. And that NOLA requirement was hanging over me pretty heavy, so I had to knock that one out. I wanted beer as my beverage, but managed to snag some through the backdoor via the Citywide pick, so I’m pretty happy. Tack on one of my favorite candies with M&Ms for my final pick and I’m pleased overall.

Jake’s grade: D+

Started off about perfect with the must-have pizza, but it was nearly all downhill from there for Brandon. Nachos are the most-overrated party food. As I’ve written previously, “full-blown loaded nachos are terrible outside eating yourself as a meal (maybe at Moes) — I don’t want other peoples’ grubby hands touching anything I eat … stuff sticks together and doesn’t separate properly … you go through eleventy hundred napkins … shall I continue?”

And speaking of grubby hands, a bowl of anything (chocolate, as Brandon mentioned M&M’s) is sickness waiting to spread. King Cake is a bit of a sleeper, but he took it a bit early, ruining the value. Sorry, Brandon, but I’ll see you back at work and not Super Bowl night.

JuJu Smith-Sushi, Steven Goldstein

Snack/Chips: Soft pretzels 3.4
Dip: Crab dip 5.4
Appetizer: Oysters on crackers* 4.3
Main Course: Sushi 2.3
Dessert: Ice cream 6.3
Beverage: Beer 1.4
Flex: Bottled water 7.4
Flex: Cheesesteak 8.3

Steven’s assessment: I’m feeling like Kevin Costner in “Draft Day.” How did beer fall to me? Beer’s gotta be at the party. I’m trying to be inclusive here, so we’ll have some non-alcoholic beer from Athletic Brewing (no affiliation). But I’m also a bearded white guy with a lot of tattoos, so there will also be the requisite IPAs and microbrews.

Sushi may be unconventional, but it’s good to stay a bit lighter with so many appetizers and snack foods beforehand. Also, I love sushi, and I don’t need to explain myself. Soft pretzels are the slot receiver to beer’s QB1. And I leaned into the seafood theme with the NOLA selection of oysters on crackers, then crab dip. I’m kind of surprised ice cream fell this far, but it’s a nice complement — maybe an ube or matcha situation after the sushi. Bottled water isn’t the flashy pick and it’s not gonna light up the draft blogs but that’s a last-round franchise icon.

Jake’s grade: C

Steven has some of my favorites — soft pretzels, crab dip — but he went a bit heavy on the seafood, and like the bowl of grubby hands, there are a lot of stomach issues at risk here. Even if you eat everything in time (before it hits room temperature), you don’t have much left after the first quarter. Not to mention, I know it was the eighth-rounder, but as you will see with no one picking a sub sandwich, any double-handed sandwich is a bit of overkill for a party with several food items — both in terms of not having a free hand and filling you up.

KC Ice Water In My Veins, Mike Hume

Snack/Chips: Potato chips 5.5
Dip: Queso 4.2
Appetizer: Chicken wings 1.5
Main Course: Chili 2.2
Dessert: Pralines* 3.5
Beverage: Straight liquor 6.2
Flex: KC Ice Water 7.5
Flex: Shrimp cocktail 8.2

Mike’s assessment: My draft strategy got obliterated when I landed the No. 5 pick and Steven sniped beer right before me, but I feel like I pivoted okay. Admittedly, I reached on my NOLA item (somehow pronounced praw-LEENS in the Crescent City???) but I’m pleased with the value I got on chili in Round 2 (Cincy style, never beans).

Wings are a must for me, though. Buffalo sauce (preferably homemade or Moore’s) with an underlying rub of salt, pepper, cumin, paprika and oregano, please. Also, bone in. You don’t spend your top pick on nuggies, sorry Jake. And who cares about the mess? I will stare with pride as my pile of bones grows to the size of the elephant graveyard in “The Lion King.”

My bevs may sound like we’re going to be smashing that spring break airhorn every commercial break, but here’s the context: Think more nice, smooth bourbon than Malört for the straight liquor selection. And while the KC Ice Water may sound like I’m trying to get my guests hammered by halftime, you can break down the ingredients, so we’ve actually got some lemon-lime soda/seltzer up in this piece, too. I am a genius. And humble.

Jake’s grade: B-

Mike and I discussed the chicken wings pick, as I would have given him a solid B if it was chicken nuggets. As I’ve said before, “boneless wings are nuggets, and as much as I like regular wings, too much mess, hand involvement (phrasing, sir!), etc. for a party.” Queso, chips, chili (no beans, as is true chili) and shrimp cocktail give Mike a very well-rounded draft, albeit, without a true “elite” option.

Roux Dat! (Taylor’s Version), Hannah Vanbiber

Snack/Chips: Pita chips 7.6
Dip: Seafood dip 6.1
Appetizer: Pigs in a blanket 4.1
Main Course: Gumbo* 2.1
Dessert: Beignets* 1.6
Beverage: Wine 3.6
Flex: Burgers and sliders 5.6
Flex: Fried pickles 8.1

Hannah’s assessment: Cajun girl, born and bred, so I’m getting straight out of the gate with the Holy Grail of fried foods: beignets. Sure, one misplaced cough and you’ll look like Marv in Home Alone 2 after the cement debacle, but they’re worth it.

I’m going gumbo with my other NOLA pick because it’s the perfect hearty, flavor-punching dish. Can be an app or a main, and Jake is just plain wrong that every single food has to be finger food. We have opposable thumbs and spoons exist. You want finger food, Jake? I got pigs-in-a-blanket, sliders, pita thins, seafood dip AND fried pickles! Mic Forks dropped!

About that “seafood dip,” I make a freaking amaaaaazing shrimp dip that my friends ask for every year and disappears by the second quarter. (Lactose intolerants beware.) I have to admit I was forced to draft pita chips because I didn’t pay attention and assumed chips were included with dip, but I went with Stacy’s Pita Thins — crunchy, pillowy, addicting, I can crush an entire bag of those by myself!

I’m taking wine for my beverage. Why? Because I drink wine. My party, my rules.

Jake’s grade: C+

This was a tough one because I love seeing food options including sliders, pigs in a blanket and beignets as the New Orleans food (I’d kill some donut holes at a party). Plus, Hannah drafted my wife’s favorite, fried pickles. Unfortunately, the other half of the draft drags things down. Gumbo? Sure, if I’m at a restaurant. Again, big pass on a bowl food with needed utensils. Seafood dip is dicey, pita chips are meh, and wine? Wine?

(Top photo: Scott Suchman for The Washington Post via Getty Images)