Socrates is drinking an Old Fashioned at 2am, Antoine Griezmann is on baby-settling duties, and Jose Mourinho is going toe to toe with Diego Maradona.
But who invited David Coote?
It’s New Year’s Eve and a group of our writers are hosting fictional parties.
We asked eight of them to each pick three dream guests from the world of football (past or present) and explain their reasoning. And for one night only, our writers can also speak any language they like to make the most of their time with their fantasy line-up.
The only person with two nominations among the 24 was USWNT head coach Emma Hayes.
Read on to find out who else got the call-up — and let us know who you would invite in the comments at the bottom of the piece…
Carl Anka
Going out on New Year’s Eve is a total scam, unless you know someone who works the door and is well-connected at the bar. That’s why Carlos ‘Kaiser’ Henrique Raposo is my first pick. The Brazilian con artist managed to eke out a 20-plus-year footballing career by knowing how to throw a party for the rest of the squad. He can help grease a few wheels here.
Kaiser gets us in the clubs. Someone else has to be willing to dance when we get in there.
There’s been more than one dressing-room video of Didier Drogba leading team-mates as they cut a rug and he’s good at other sports in case we’re off to play pool or darts or something else to pass the time. There’s also a beer named after him in the Ivory Coast. It’s big and strong. Just like him.
You also need someone with whom you can have a long conversation about life, love, art and what the year ahead could have in store. So I’d like to drink some Old Fashioneds with Socrates at about 2am. I would also apologise for the amount of drunk cigarettes I’ve taken off him throughout the night. (Reader: I heartily recommend watching the documentary Democracia Em Preto E Branco/Democracy over your winter break. It’s about the Corinthians side of the 1980s and how they pushed for a more democratic way to manage the side during the dictatorship years in Brazil.)
Phil Hay
Duncan Ferguson. Here’s a man who would go late into the night and regale us around the fire with tales of doing time in Glasgow’s Barlinnie Prison and his methods of dealing with household intruders. He’s got an autobiography coming next year (I’ll be all over that) and I’ve got a feeling he’d serve up a Hogmanay you wouldn’t forget. Let’s find out.
Vladimir Romanov. Look, the boy lives in a submarine in the wilds of Russia. If that doesn’t pique your interest in ‘An audience with…’ experience, I don’t know what will. The ulterior motive here is that he formerly owned Heart of Midlothian and I’d be all over his memories of smashing Hibs in the 2012 Scottish Cup final and his attempt to swim across Loch Ness.
Arrigo Sacchi. Purely because his diary, The Immortals (about his brilliant Milan team in the 1980s and 1990s), is one of the best books I’ve read in a while. I’m not sure what he’d make of Big Dunc or Mad Vlad, although neither of them suffer fools either. I always liked this quote that was attributed to Sacchi: “Football is the most important of the least important things in life.” True.
(Alessandro Sabattini/Getty Images)
Nick Miller
Ian Wright. The actor, rapper and comedian Doc Brown once said Wright was the “soul of football”, which is perfect. I loved Wright as a player and when he signed (albeit only on a brief loan and at age 35) for my team, Nottingham Forest, I’d never been so excited about calling a player my own. But however brilliant he was on the pitch, he’s even more so off it: thoughtful, passionate, keen to celebrate the game when it is great, and give it a good kicking when it is not.
Emma Hayes. At a gathering like this, you need someone who is the right combination of interesting and easy-going and someone who would talk about something other than football. Pep Guardiola, for example, would be a nightmare. It was a toss-up between her and Carlo Ancelotti, but I’ll go for Hayes because she’d be good fun with stories to tell, we know from their TV work that she and Wright get on, and you’d back her to step in if the next pair started scrapping…
(Darren Staples/AFP via Getty Images)
Brian Clough and Don Revie (specifically from September 12, 1974). Yes, this is two people and it’s cheating, but this is a party already defying the rules of time and plausibility, so deal with it. On the day Clough was sacked as Leeds manager in 1974, he was invited onto local TV show Calendar: unknown to him, his predecessor and nemesis Don Revie was also a guest and there followed the most glorious squabble. Is it a good idea to get two people you know despise each other together? Maybe not, but by god it would be entertaining.
Michael Cox
Juan Mata. I’m going to interpret this task very literally. I know we’re meant to name a load of big characters, but Diego Maradona would cause chaos, Johan Cruyff would annoy the other guests, and most managers are too intense. No. I want people I can actually have a decent chat with. So on that basis, I’m choosing Mata, who I’ve always really liked: a nice, humble, intelligent man who has recently enjoyed playing spells in countries as varied as Turkey, Japan and Australia. He also used to co-own a Manchester restaurant, so would bring some decent food along.
(Alex Livesey/Getty Images)
Aitana Bonmati. This is actually quite a tough challenge because, truth be told, I don’t find many footballers particularly intriguing as individuals. But having recently written an article saying Bonmati is the most interesting footballer around at the moment, I’ll pick her. Studious, thoughtful, possibly a bit aloof but also forthcoming about things that she really cares about, I think she’d be more revealing off-record. Granted, by picking two Spaniards, I am risking us all not sitting down to eat until around 11.30pm.
Leighton Baines. Quite literally a left-field choice, but I genuinely used to really enjoy Baines’ sporadic music blogs back in the day. Anyone who is a fan of both Melody Prochet and Mark Lanegan is alright by me. I also enjoyed the tales of him and then England manager Roy Hodgson bonding at international tournaments over their shared love of literature. I can’t imagine being mates with many recent England players, but perhaps presumptuously, I think I’d get along well with Baines as we despair at the poor calibre of musical guests on Jools Holland’s latest Hootenanny.
Sarah Shephard
For the last few years, New Year’s Eve hasn’t involved leaving the house (thanks to a tiny tyrant who needs her bed long before midnight), so I’ve thought long and hard about who I’d actually want to let loose in my own home and would enjoy a bit of Jools Holland on the countdown to midnight. Here goes…
Bukayo Saka. Officially one of the nicest guys in football, he’d almost certainly arrive with drinks/snacks and take his shoes off upon entering the house (though this might be tricky with only one working hamstring currently). He appears to be as free of ego as it is possible to be when also a Premier League footballer, so I’d have no worries about him judging me on the state of the house/nibbles bought at Aldi/lack of speaker system. He has such a nice way about him that I think if my three-year-old woke up in the night, she’d be more than happy to be greeted by that warm smile (and maybe he’d even be OK with reading her current fave book: Poo Poo Bum Bum Wee Wee).
(Clive Rose/Getty Images)
Emma Hayes. Talks an excellent game on anything and everything; the kind of person every party needs. I feel like she’d also be bang up for some karaoke as the night went on and would pick some decent tunes, too. With her American connections now, I’m hoping she’d bring a share-size bag of Chex Mix Bold (IYKYK) and plenty of king-sized Reeses for the sugar hit as the night wears on.
Dave Bassett. Left field, I know, but the former Wimbledon and Sheffield United manager has a literally bottomless well of football stories from an era that (probably for the best) is long gone now. There would almost certainly be some lively discussions with fellow manager Hayes and Saka will likely be flabbergasted by some of the contents of Bassett’s Crazy Gang tales. The only downside is that he’s now 80 years old so might be snoozing on the sofa by 9pm.
Tim Spiers
Ronaldinho. The clue’s in the name, this is a party, one which I’d like to descend (or ascend) into a rum-drinking, cigar-smoking, card-playing all-nighter. Ronaldinho worked hard to justifiably earn a reputation as a party animal throughout his career. There was a rumour he had a nightclub clause inserted into his contract at Brazil’s Flamengo for two nights out per week, while at Barcelona he stayed up playing the bongos until 2am. This is the kind of vibe we want.
Plus, y’know, he’s Ronaldinho.
(Ron Vesely/Getty Images)
David Coote. This party might get a bit rowdy and Coote will allegedly fit right in. He’s been through a rough few months, could do with cheering up and, well, he’s got a story to tell. Coote can also share his thoughts on various Premier League managers, but there’ll be a no-phones policy so he can feel safe (a bit late for that now, to be fair).
To be honest, this might all get a bit intense, which I’m hoping will be balanced out by…
Des Lynam. The smooth-talking housewives’ favourite from days gone by will lighten the mood with some impeccably timed quips throughout the evening. When Coote starts to lament the loss of his job, he’ll say stuff like “Well this is going to be a long night, Tim” and look at me with a raised eyebrow, perhaps even a cheeky wink.
And whenever his glass is empty he’ll say: “Good evening. Shouldn’t you be at work… at the bar?” Lovely stuff.
Jack Lang
First things first: I’m going to need someone to keep an eye on my kids. Antoine Griezmann, the most unselfish footballer in the world, has to be the pick. He drinks enough maté to ensure he’ll be up long past midnight and he will never complain, even on his 46th trip upstairs to read a book/do shadow puppets/curl up and sob in the dark.
I don’t want to do any hard thinking on New Year’s Eve, so I’ll be swerving anyone who could even come close to being considered one of the game’s great thinkers. No, what I want is gossip — sweet, salacious gossip — and I believe the man to give it to me is Jack Grealish. He strikes me as someone who might appreciate a good story — and the thrill of dishing it up, with just the right amount of seasoning, to someone he probably shouldn’t.
No party is complete without music and while my own record collection is unparalleled, I want to be able to focus on good conversation and bad dancing. So let’s delegate DJ duties to former Spain international Gaizka Mendieta, a man of impeccable taste who also knows how to get a party going.
GO DEEPER
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James Horncastle
Silvio Berlusconi. A controversial choice, but he changed the game in TV, politics and football. He’d be the first to grab the karaoke mic, too. Berlusconi had been a cruise-ship crooner and possessed the showman’s ease on the big stage. A magnificent joke-teller and raconteur, his opinions on Angela Merkel’s new memoir would be a welcome alternative to football talk. Anyone at the bar who came out saying, ‘I’m only out for a couple of pints’ would inevitably stay for 10. “Where we going afterwards, Silvio?”
Diego Maradona. A contemporary of Berlusconi’s, they’d bring (ahem) different things to the party. The two would vibe off each other in incredible fashion, reminiscing about the late 1980s when Milan and Napoli were rivals for the Scudetto. If Berlusconi picked up a guitar, Maradona would sing. I think the rest of the party would be swirling napkins around their heads before midnight. Every now and then, I watch this party footage of Maradona at Ciro Ferrara’s house. An icon.
Jose Mourinho. Another master of the memorable one-liner. Another ego of tremendous proportions. I’d back Jose to go toe-to-toe with Silvio and Diego, particularly at that stage of the night when the oneupmanship over stories reaches a whole new level. He might also say something that ruins the party for everyone but keeps us talking about it for years. The group photo of this evening would, to my mind, probably eclipse that Louis Vuitton advert showing Maradona, Pele and Zinedine Zidane playing table football.
(Top photos: Peter Robinson/EMPICS; ANP; Jean-Yves Ruszniewski/TempSport/Corbis/VCG; Clive Rose; all via Getty Images; design: Eamonn Dalton)
